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"I want a girlfriend" is a phrase I read and hear a lot. I also hear some men say "I need a girlfriend." I also have had men ask me "how do I get a girlfriend?". My usual response is "why do you want (or need) one so badly?"
Somehow, somewhere, some men have been conditioned to think that their lives would be more meaningful if they had a girlfriend. "But I feel like such a freak if I don't have one," says Jeremy, a 22 year old college Senior. "Most of my friends have one. I feel like a loser."
I hear this from men of all ages and backgrounds. The problem here I see is two-fold: first, that men who say these kinds of things do not have the different skill sets they need in order to secure a date virtually anytime they want. Secondly, there is an inherent problem in thinking that one needs to have a girlfriend in order to feel more complete, popular, or whatever other reason you can think of. Happiness and fulfillment should come from inside first and then having a partner, a girlfriend, or a romantic interest should be the icing on the cake. So if you are one of these men that feels and believes he has to have a girlfriend, that's a big red flag that you are using that as a crutch. A crutch for what, you might ask. It's a crutch for not facing the real, deeper issue(s) that drive that false belief that you have to have a girlfriend.
Men who want a girlfriend are coming from a place of weakness, not power. For the sake of this article, power is defined as the ability to take consistent action toward a very specific purpose. For example, my friend David constantly tells me he wishes he had a girlfriend, but he plays 30 to 40 hours of World of Warcraft each weak instead of learning how to improve his social skills. That is not coming from a place of power. When a man desperately wants a partner it makes him act and behave in a needy and desperate ways. Women pick up on this even before you approach them. They can see it in your posture, your eyes, the way you move your arms, and other aspects of your body language. Then when you talk they can hear it in your voice as well as where you place your hands. You shouldn't "want" a girlfriend or "need" a girlfriend. You should choose to have one when you meet a woman that fits your criteria, won't play silly games with you, and compliments your life, not impedes it.
Men sometimes want a girlfriend for the wrong reasons. Men should "choose" to have a girlfriend, not "need" one because they are succumbing to social pressure or a feeling of insecurity or loneliness. There are times in my life where I did not have a girlfriend for several months or even longer than a year. That did not mean that I did not date. I went out on plenty of dates, but I never called any of them my girlfriend because I was at a place in my life at the time where I did not want anything serious. I've had women tell me after a few months that they wanted to move in with me and when I told them "no", they gave me an ultimatum.
Either take the relationship to the next level or she would end it, she would say (after a few months? Come on!). I would always end it right there on the spot because I never give into selfish ultimatums. The fact is that my self-esteem and confidence are so high that I don't "need" a woman to originate my happiness. I think of my life as dessert and that any woman who wants to join me is simply the whip cream and strawberry on top of it. I realize that sounds a bit corny, but it's a very accurate metaphor. I'm not saying that having a girlfriend is a bad thing. In fact, it's a good thing when it is done for the right reasons.
So how does a man make himself more attractive? The list is nearly endless, but here are a few pointers that men need to seriously think about:
1. Physical Appearance And Hygiene - I used to worry about my height because I didn't think I was tall enough to date tall, attractive women. That was a huge waste of time and energy. I finally realized that I needed to focus on what I could control, such as my weight, my muscle tone, the way I ate, using only one spray of cologne (instead of half the bottle), the whiteness of my teeth, my hairstyle, etc.
2. Confidence - I'm talking about natural confidence that oozes from within, not the phony "I'm-such-a-bad-boy" confidence that immature men think is "cool". If you don't have it now there's only one way to get it: taking action; not just any action, but action that forces you outside of your comfort zone so that you actually grow. Think about it, if you have approach anxiety, you'll never overcome it if you don't approach. Remember the Rule of 25, which states you should eventually approach no less than 25 women per week until you can talk to any woman, any time, and any where. Some men achieve this in one week, others in 3 months because we are all different, have different shyness levels, and might have a bunch of other things going on in our lives.
3. Have A Life - Studies have shown that desireable men have active, social lives. Let's face it, when a woman knows that other women desire you, your social value skyrockets. One way to increase your own social value is to have hobbies and interests that help improve who you are. Playing video games versus going out an learning how to dance salsa, swing, or hip-hop might both be fun for you, but take a wild guess which one gives you more opportunities to meet women? If you couple this with a growing social network, you will naturally find yourself a very busy person with plenty of social events and opportunities to meet new faces. I can go to any major city in the world and within 90 days I can build a social network of new faces and friends that would take an average man a lifetime to build. That's only because I've done it time and time again. If you remained focused there's very little you can accomplish.
4. Having A Plan For Your Life - Are you starting to see a trend here? Have you noticed that the focal point has been to focus on yourself first? Most people go throughout life reacting to it instead of sitting down and writing some rough outline of what they really want out of life. Let's take Samuel, a 33 year old recently divorced accountant, as an example. For many years Samuel thought that having a girlfriend and eventually getting married was the true road to happiness, but he didn't have the social and relationship skills to find the right mate and ended up marrying the wrong woman. He began wondering if this was as good as it gets (sounds like the movie right?).
One day Samuel called me with his dilemma and I advised that he get away for a weekend and to take a notebook and pen with him. I wanted him to spend the entire weekend writing down what he really wanted out of life and the reasons behind them. When he called me a week later, he was a changed man. He started, "I thought that I always needed a girlfriend to feel good about myself. Now I realized that is just one facet to living. Real fulfillment comes from within, from a sense of contributing, and a sense of moving forward."
Samuel was starting to get it. And he eventually met a woman that complimented his own life and he's never been happier.
Do you still want a girlfriend? Or do you feel like you still need one? It's very important that you take a look inside yourself to find the answer. Remember, you should never "need" a girlfriend. You should reach a point in your life where you "choose" to have a girlfriend on your terms. And that makes all the difference in the world. Just ask Samuel.
Rod Cortez is an international dating coach who can show you proven methods for meeting, talking to, and dating attractive women. His free newsletter will quickly teach you how: http://thedatepro.com
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